dark paint

Hey LJ, it's been 4years.

This is the earliest I have been awake in months. ... interesting, and pathetic. Considering I have been sleeping 10+ hours most nights. And if you now anything, you would know that sleeping that much isn't healthy in the least, leaves you even groggier, lazier, and not knowing what you did the day before.

Anyways, I'M BACK! Thinking if maybe I write on here consistently I may find some ground. I love journaling, but here I can add fun little pictures, and don't have to obsess over what my handwriting looking like... in a personal journal.

Time to be an adult again. Classes start in just a week and a half. Lot's to work on, so here goes day one!

ps- Katy Perry is my feel good. Don't hate.




 Things are better today. Although I feel sort of unattractive. My makeup wasn't working out, and I've been eating food all day. And I could eat more.


My head hurts a bit. and damn it, I feel like shit. All because of my face. But whatever. The new girl wears WAY more makeup than me. She's still cute too.

Totally bumming. Maybe it's this fucking song. It's somehow happy too. It's definitely a bummer song though. I don't know. I am super lonely.

Maybe I shouldn't be listening to this fucking song.

I have to go to work soon. And I really am not looking forward to it today. God damn it. I really hate my face today. Well it's not that bad. But you can tell I'm wearing makeup. And I don't think it's usually this obvious.

I hate makeup.


Terrible Friend

 What do you do when you feel so terrible, and confused, and sad, all at the same time. And them when the something all started you felt special, and then extreme sadness once you realized what you were doing.

I don't know what to do. I know what the right thing is to do. But I am still not sure how to mend it. I know you're mad at me. I can tell. I have betrayed the one person I have had for a very long time. When I was supposed to be there for you all night, I left you and did the unthinkable. Even though it was only a kiss, that is not the point. 

The point is, I am not even sure. There are so many emotions inside of me right now. Happiness, and love, and also the intense feeling of losing someone very dear to me. I have crossed a line of friendship that I myself should know And especial under the circumstances of the night at hand, and what my duties were meant to be as a friend, and with the knowledge that I had, and also with the emotional toll of persons to be seen by you... I fucked it all up.

What i am trying to say is girl, is that I am so sorry. I cant even explain. And this is such a terrible apology too. 
I don't even know what to do. If I could buy you love, I would.
Flowers, If I had the money girl would I.

If only I knew what would make you happy, and what your favorite things were. I would give them to you.

And yes, an Elephant is 100% faithful.

  • Current Mood
    worried Sad, Regretful, Guilty etc.


 Today was extremely boring. I had to wake up at 8:30 for work ay 10am. I thought I worked at 11. But at 3 am last night before hitting the hay, I decided to double check.

It's ridiculous...

Its raining.

OH! I was talking about work wasn't I?
So! Work went by really slowly today. Adam decided to call into work sick today, so it was just me and Danny and the mexicans for a while.

WOAH, it just started to POUR!!!!

I'll tell you every time it gets harder. ooo baby.

Anywayssss, So. Work was super slow. I was really tired and called Danny/ My Boss "Dad" at least twice. And also gave a woman her change, but actually gave her the opposite amount I should have. I gave her how much her food costed. but was corrected, she was a nice lady.

I fucked up some other times too.   ^.^

the rain is very soft now, like cotton balls. maybe not that soft. That would be fucking sweet though. if it were raining cotton balls. hopefully they would be biodegradable.

After work I rode my bike to the DoIt center to drop off my shit for hard drive/ brains MacBook. The said my hard drive is murdering itself. quote. The said I need to get a MacBookPro.

On a better note! I found someone to cover my shift tomorrow evening so I can go to spring green and do drugs and drink drugs and go on the slip 'n slide!

That is all!


Grrrardsnfksdnvl arblearblebabble phish

 It take way too damn long to figure out this CSS bull shit. I should have gone to bed three hours ago. But now am writing because I am pleased enough [for now] with my layout. And I got them Harry Potter & The GOF mood themes! Hell yeah. Accomplished.


time to sleep.

good-night moon
&& good night world.


Sleep Walker

 So I was up alllllll night. It was fucking awesome. I was just role playing hardcore like a geek. But I mean once you start and someone continues to reply, it's hard to stop. It's mutual drug... or something. Alright, that didn't quite make sense. But I don't care. I still got 7 hours of sleep. I feel not bad, and I'm doing it again! I will rp until 2:00, then drive to my psychiatry appointment with Dr. McMurray. THEN come back from my from appointment at 3:30. THEN I will continue to pr until 4:30 when I have to go to work.

Sounds perfect to me!!! And I can't wait to come back and rp some more. 


 I have been thinking a lot lately, about what I am going to do with myself and my life. And I have decided that I should really stop worrying and let life grab hold of me. I have dealt with a lot of shit in my life, but I am still alive and well. And I think that is a huge accomplishment. Another accomplishment that I am very proud of myself for is that I haven't been medicated for about a year now, and I feel great! But I still have some things I need to deal with. Such as my emotional and physical scars. The physical cause some emotional which is pretty fucked up and definitely a cycle. But The other day when I had my party I really started not to care anymore. I can't wear long pants forever. And I can't bare to wear shorts or swim trunks over my bikini every time I am swimming or out in the hot sun. It's quite absurd. I need to just stop thinking about them. it's definitely getting better. The thing I am afraid of is people judging me. But the truth of the matter is that if people are going to judge they will. I can't wait for plastic surgery or some bull shit like that. I am who I am, and those scars are a part of me. And I probably would still feel them emotionally even if they weren't physically there at all. But what I am most afraid of is being alone. And that is a sad thought and story.